Breathless
by Hesperos
Summary: A brief tale concerning Ashura from the moment of his capture. Spoilers will almost certainly turn up. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

I felt myself slip, and caught only a fleeting backwards glance of the deep pool before falling into it. The mirrored surface of the water slammed into me like a barricade of ice, shatteringly, bitingly cold. I plunged downwards like a stone, throwing out an arm to save myself and feeling repelled by a fiery hex, sending out my thoughts desperately, only to be rebuffed, outmaneuvered, evaded. As I struggled wildly for air, a lucid part of my brain awoke, ingrained teachings bidding me to _focus_. I began to compose myself, relaxing the tension in my limbs in spite of the danger and stilling my desperately clutching, reaching hands. With effort, I sought to release the frantic primal urges of self-preservation from the dark corners of my heart. I reminded myself that I would not be undone by this trick, though I would have to pay a heavy price for being incautious. The shadowy depths of the pool engulfed me.

One slow heartbeat surged, and then another, faltering in the chilly depths. I shuddered. Confused, disconnected thoughts swam around my oxygen-deprived brain, and my eyes, drawn skyward, began to fade. As the peaceful surface of this strange blue-green sea glimmered above me, I was filled with an unexpected sense of pride. It was, after all, an elegantly enacted _coup d'état_. I could almost have saved myself. I could have—

I was interrupted by the appearance of a wavering silhouette which loomed over the surface, blotting out the light momentarily. With a splash, it darted swiftly into the deep pool, surging towards me, and I would have reached out to it but my limbs had become leaden and unresponsive. What was this creature? It seemed so familiar yet, as consciousness bled slowly from me, I found myself unable to recall even a name, a memory. The shadow took on a menacing air as it rushed unceasingly towards me, filling my vision with obscuring darkness. I struggled to escape it, but could not.

A glimmer of luminous blue—such deep eyes I had never seen before, or maybe I had, but in a dream somewhere. I found it increasingly hard to focus, and my thoughts had begun to drift about like only so much water, unable to be retained. Wistfully, I wished that I could remember something, anything in this moment.

The form came to a halt near me, close enough for me to feel the aura of warmth emanating from it. Breathless, I gazed, transfixed, into those eyes that gleamed with turbulent emotion. It leaned closer to me, speaking warbling, muted words like music, and I listened in awe as my mind descended further into darkness, dying slowly. Lithe fingers traced sluggish patterns in the deep; it trailed across my temples, and across my heart. Sleep beckoned from the darkness in their wake, unassailable. Utterly vanquished for this one instant, I released the air from my lungs in a plume of twinkling bubbles and breathed in the sharp coldness of the sea, embracing it. Those luminous blue eyes leaned towards me once more. Night swept over my eyes like a serpent.

I awoke within a dream.

Far above me, the sun glimmered, filling the blue-green emptiness with warmth. I sighed a plume of bubbles that twinkled and ascended into the luminous heights. Snatches of thoughts and dreams swirled through the sea around me, agitated by rippling currents. They streamed and twisted through the waters, staining the currents with a billowing dye in evanescent patterns. It was a beautiful sight.

Memories billowed and curled around me…did they belong to me, and I to them? I vaguely recalled something of the sort, and furthermore felt a twinge of anxiety at being unable to remember, yet I banished those unwelcome thoughts. Why worry about such things when I merely wanted to watch the slow ebbing and flowing of dreams in the sunlit currents of this sea? Swarms of bubbles rose up from green depths and into the sky, and I saw faces reflected in them, faces that seemed grotesquely familiar and yet unrecognizable. I averted my gaze, too uneasy to meet them. The ever-calming sea was warm and bright, clear and rippling with rays of sunlight. The sun floated slowly towards the zenith of the sky, and all was silent save for the low rushing sounds of water churning over water, a serenely purifying sound. Dreams swayed in the currents of the sea, faraway thoughts entwining with them and encircling me, leaving a trail of cloudy ink in their wake. As I felt them flow over my hand, I was filled with a curious delight, watching the streams of consciousness undulate and intertwine. Suddenly, a spasm of pain flew over me, and I recoiled. As a cloud of dye enveloped me, I heard a horrific scream of agony that was quickly stifled as the dye diffused. Before I could recover from the shock, a second burst of that painful bile flowed across me, darkening the rays of the sun and suffusing my ears with a cacophony of grieving voices that tore at themselves in anguish. Another merciless surge overwhelmed me, then another, and another until I was driven senseless with grief, and still they flowed over me. The leaden venom burned through my blood, filling me with reddening pain. Drugged by the noxious poisons, I bore witness to thousand crying voices, to people raging, grieving, dying, pummeling the earth and beating themselves in paroxysms of anguish. Tattered memories swarmed around me, sorrowful, joyful, furious, sickening, yet all of them torturous, full of emotions too caustic to be felt, too poignant to be dreamed. I howled in senseless mourning as the voices grew louder and louder and my heart began to bleed with the wretched din. The blazing sun at its lofty height now seemed to abrade me with its fiery heat; the green-blue color of the sea now pained my eyes like acid. It was too much, too much for my vulnerable soul to bear. I pleaded for blindness, for deafness, for escape from the agony.

The sea around me lapped softly, reassuringly.

Gentle soothing waters caressed my trembling form, easing away the burning sores from my skin and the pain from within my heart. For a long time, the currents flowed around me and diluted the dreams of those strange other worlds that bled and hurt. A drifting peace filled me in their wake, a clear tranquility that swept me up and held me suspended beneath the waves. The sea was calm and bright, rippling softly on its pellucid surface as bubbles streamed through it and lances of hot sunlight glinted through the waves. As I lay basking in the dappled light of the ocean and the low sounds of rippling waves flooded my mind, I heard a song of unearthly beauty, a lyrical baritone; the sea was saturated with it and it filled me up with warmth. My heart was lifted, my back arched involuntarily as I released the shuddering tension that plagued me. Enveloped with this song, this beautiful graceful dream, I was at peace. The churning of the sea began to slow and it seemed like the whole world was spiraling to a standstill, that the sun was ceasing its chaotic flight across the heavens, around the star-strewn galaxy. What could this be but a pleasant night, a heavenly black night with no moon nor stars nor fire, with no crumbling earth to mar the swollen maternal seas of the world, with no breath of life or rippling gale to distress the pure clarity and stillness of the night?

Though the strange sensations still swam around me in wide arcs, their painful dyes had been diluted and dispersed by the sea and song. The sun had been likewise defeated, and it fell heavily beyond the seas into nothing and was gone. Eternity was nigh, present in the resounding cadences and the airy coldness of the infinitely opaque heavens. Time held no meaning anymore. In the resulting darkness, I felt calm and closed my eyes. Listening to the rushing sounds, I became the sea of darkness, the lapping of the waves and the blessed emptiness of the deeps. I was myself no longer.

This was a watery twilight that rippled and swam with diffuse light, shadowy and moist. This was an endless, endless cool sea above, drifting in myriad eddies and surges. This was a hauntingly beautiful intonation, deep voices that swam through the sea and bewitched time to a sluggish grey crawl.

The seconds dripped downwards, merging into surface of the sea like little warm raindrops in the dark, spreading faintly curving ripples far above before dissipating into the endless heights. Swollen glistening bubbles heaved themselves from the low murky depths and floated, shivering, towards the fluid firmament; in the twilight of the ocean, there was nothing but sleep, endless sleep.

The surface of the gentle sea wavered. Muted shadows shifted and flowed across the waves as rushing water flooded the mind with its liquid murmurs. Scattered dreams and emotions flitted through these dilute meditations like tattered veils, elusive and strange. All sense of identity diffused slowly into the never-ending sameness of the ceaselessly churning waves.

After an eternity of emptiness, there occurred at last a jarring sensation of wavering uncertainty which fractured the senseless lethargic homogeneity of the sea, a feeling like a spider's web carefully and slowly and inexorably being pulled apart. At once, there was a rush of dry air being released and a sharp intake of breath as a rattling breeze swept through the stagnant corridors of my lungs. The darkness of cold eternity melted and dissipated in the warmth of the wind. My eyes fluttered open and, for a moment, the lustrous infinity of the sea was too dazzling to behold. I awoke.

Air. A single thought spun through my dazed and vacant mind and sought something to connect to. The water's surface glimmered. I breathed a second time, a raw and halting exhalation that burned through the bridge of my nose and stung in my throat and mouth with its unfamiliarity.

Air—that was Fai. Oh, sweet Fai, capricious as the Air! Sanguine and inventive and subtle Fai…I breathed deeply, feeling that warm presence in the vibrant scented air around me. Warm blood began to spread through the stilled core of my chest and within my aching heart which beat, and beat again. Awakening further, I discovered myself to be submerged in a rounded basin of sun-fired brick in curving descent away from the remote stars; far above, the circular opening glimmered luminously, sending shafts of moonlight into the dusky depths. In the rippling image of that faraway blue aperture, I was seized by a painfully sweet memory of twin azure eyes that twinkled with bright intensity and love. My heartbeat grew more vigorous as I stirred, filling the echoing chamber of the basin and my temples with gushing palpitations.

Now, as my blood filled with bittersweet reminiscence and that purpose I had only just remembered, I bent my will towards the last strands of the enchantment which sang now faintly through the waves, brushing against me and coaxing me to return to the eternal dream-state from which I had just emerged. The bright loci of the spell shone in my mind as I maneuvered them into long flowing strands, weaving the tattered ends of the incantation into a knot, the binding _theirah_. The song swelled into a crescendo of sorrowful remembrance before abating. At once, the arcane prison came undone, and a rush of a billion tiny escaping bubbles fluttered desperately towards the luminous heights in a twinkling swarm. Glassy shards sank towards the bottom of the pool. Struck by unexpected weariness, I drifted upwards through the steadily lightening blue-green pool of swaying dappled patterns. Time seemed to stand still as I drifted, half-lucid, amongst motionless suspended dust twinkling in the waves. In my sluggish ascent, my mind bent inexorably like a compass needle towards the past.

Memories swam around me like the very sea, intoxicating. I remembered that hollow and frail form, lifeless grey eyes that pierced my heart with innocent loneliness. I saw Fai's exuberance in creating Chi, his face bursting into a gleaming smile. Sweetly and bitterly, I remembered his sadness and gloomy isolation, his uncontrollable raging and the long hours of solace at his bedside that followed. I recalled the peace of the early mornings, watching him breathe softly and deeply in the shade of his room, wondering what he was dreaming about as the rosy dawn spread over the glistening snow.

In a rush, the past swept me away. I saw the dream begin on that lonely and grimy world with an unscrupulous meeting in secret. I saw that ultimate deceptive sleep overtake me, that resounding instant of grim and proud surprise as he uttered those brave words "At least…you'll have a good dream", that moment when the last of my senses were absorbed into the sea of nothing. My mind churned, awash in a flood of sighing beautiful memories.

A good dream…

I jolted, suddenly very much aware of the subtle cadence that had reawakened in whispers all around me. Once again, the sea's song had beguiled me with the past. Fear gripped me as I realized how close I had been to falling back into the nothingness of sleep. My aspirations had nearly evaded me again—alas, those memories were too fresh, too dear to my heart for me to have had any sort of defense against them. I concentrated on remaining lucid, on retaining those sensations of which I had so long been deprived. I reluctantly let Fai withdraw to the back of my memory, if only temporarily. Now was not the time for idle reminiscence. I held fast to the reeling world.

The water was barren and cold, I now felt, a jagged clenching cold that clawed with dull iron wherever its heartless hands could reach. I winced slightly, intensifying my focus in an attempt to blot out the pain. As the surface loomed ever wider, I noticed a pearlescent sheen twisting on its surface—Chi, and the second half of his spell, one which I would not undo. My garments billowed and furled in the frigid waters as I continued my lengthy ascent.

At long last, I burst through the surface of the pool and into the chilly air, soaked thoroughly. The pearlescent sheen vanished from my sight as it threaded and laced its winding way invisibly through the dimensions. It was going to find Fai, to tell him I had at last prevailed over his latest brilliant—desperate—ruse.

I heaved myself from the pool and shuddered at the chill as my sopping robes dripped puddles and rivulets across the tiled floor. A humorless laugh escaped my frigid trembling lips as I thought of his desperate flight and the panic which must even now be gnawing at his heart. Doubt hung heavy on my heart as always: I alone had imagined this path, I had sown this black flower into Fai, rooting it deeply in his tangled sorrows so that those sorrows might end. Such risk, such anguish—oh, if I were wrong! Anxiety rose in my throat until it choked me and I felt a raw burning like acid. With effort, I quelled these superfluous emotions.

The fiery agitation soon left me, leaving in its wake a somber clarity. Sighing a cloud of icy vapor, I reminded myself of that steadfast ideal, that by these actions, the burdens of his curse would all be eased from Fai's patiently straining soul.

Longingly, I thought of that moment when peace would grace his countenance. My eyes fluttered shut as joy welled up in my heart and I relished such a precious, precious idea. I savored that sensation fully, rolling it around my consciousness and absorbing every nuance of the feeling. Resolve etched itself into my being; I would succeed. If Fai could lead a mended life, I would surely attempt anything for him. I would enclose all of his burdens within myself and, having done so, they would be expiated and dissolved. For that moment, for that sweet potential of salvation, for Fai…for him alone I now lived and breathed in that chilly air.


	2. Chapter 2

I wandered out of the lofty moonlit tower which was still awash in cold water and residual hexes from that final conflict. I drifted through winding alabaster corridors and down curving flights of ornate stairs, trailing steam as I evaporated the cold water from my drenched clothes. Musing deeply, I strode through the most secluded byways of the citadel, mindfully avoiding the troublesome things that dwelt in the more-frequented halls.

At last, I came upon a massive wooden door, heaving it open. Glancing around swiftly, I noted with relief that the cavernous gallery had remained, like the rest of the castle, wholly immune to the passage of time; the mirror loomed glossy and profound as always, weightily drawing in the eyes to its curving dark wooden frame and the stigmatic emblem etched in its crown. A price had been paid for this, indeed. I ran my hands slowly down the expertly carved sides, feeling the polished earthy wood and examining the pristine surface of cool glass. The mirror, lit by a single shaft of grey light from an oculus carved in the ceiling, dominated its shadowy surroundings as the sole furnishing in the entire room.

The aurora in the night sky must have at that moment shifted, for so the quality of light in the room altered subtly and the shadowy reflections in the mirror's silver depths wavered like unsettled mist. Again, I stroked the dark ruddy wood, meditating deeply on a single face. As the mists within the mirror began to synchronize with the ebb and flow of my thoughts, they all at once parted like a dewy curtain, and there I saw Fai. My heart leapt with a mixture of pleasure and terror, with giddiness and bitterness. Of course he must be alive---the chance was imperceptibly small that the future ahead could have disposed of him already. Of course.

Yes, he was alive still, at least, yet…strained, I felt. I could not make out his surroundings, but I could perceive that there were people around him interacting, and that there were strong ties linking them to him—most uncharacteristic of Fai, if I were to remark on it. The light of another world spilled into the hall as I looked on, my curiosity piqued. It was indeed an interesting revelation, that Fai (whether intentionally or not, I would not be one to speculate) had become entwined with such a number of people. Curious, curious. Perhaps, more than the fact that I had awakened at last, the source of his distress, his strain, was the conflict between the ties of his long-standing curse and the natural allure of camaraderie. He had discovered at last, then, that supremely human conflict between fate and desire. At this thought, I felt the stirrings of compassion, for I, too, had long been waging war against fate. There was no denying _hitsuzen_, for certain, but fortune itself has the strange habit of letting in loopholes where they are least looked for. For those matters of loopholes, I gladly reminded myself, I knew of an expert. Now would be the time to bring my long-deferred plan into fruition. I bid farewell silently to Fai as he glanced tellingly around, believing (or perhaps doubting) himself to be unwatched. The glossy mirror became opaque again. I cleared my throat slightly and smoothed out my robes, preening myself slightly before straightening. 'She' was never one to waste her time with the disheveled after all, or at least she would never take them seriously. I hesitated slightly, then called out to the depths of the mirror,

"Yūko Ichihara. Audience is sought with Yūko Ichihara by Ashura, in Celes country. Please respond."

A moment of silence, then the silver surface of the mirror shone brilliantly with the crystal-clear image of the witch herself. Slightly startled by the abruptness of her appearance, I composed myself and began to organize my thoughts. This would perhaps be a difficult task to pull off, yet I was certain I could succeed if only I said things in just the right way. My heart beat rapidly, though I attempted to restrain it.

"Good morning," she stated evenly, the epitome of poise. "I hope you have enjoyed your rest." Her mouth twitched in a slight wry smile as her intelligent eyes looked over me, carelessly and at the same time intently. Though it was somewhat irritating, I knew I was intended to glean all of these nuances of her gestures; Yūko had never let any subtle accident of motion betray those secret and most profound machinations of her mind. Though I had known her for many, many years, she remained, as always, an enigma. At every moment that I believed to understand her motivations or her true personality a bit more, she revealed yet another layer of herself, and another, and so on, until all the progress I had ever made towards understanding her resulted in nothing. I had thought her ebullient and careless attitude to be a façade. Now I realized it was not always clearly so. I underestimated her far-reaching influence and breadth of intelligence and had even, when I first began to know her, been audacious enough to believe that she would always abide by the letter of the law. Now, fortunately, I knew otherwise.

"I…hope you are also well." I said, diplomatically. She stared impassively at me for a moment, then screamed suddenly over her shoulder, "You have to carry it with _both hands_. If you drop it, I'll _charge you the entirety of its worth plus a repair fee._" I cringed as she giggled with wicked delight and turned to face me again. Her laughter ceased as quickly as a candle being snuffed out, and the smile fell off her face. Undaunted, I continued "I have a favor to ask."

"You know the price." She stared unblinkingly at me. As always, I got the distinct impression that she was toying with me on purpose, that she was merely reciting hackneyed lines and at the same time concealing something larger than ritual—whatever my speculations were worth.

"I do."

"Then go ahead and ask!" Yūko waved at me with extreme frivolity, and I was taken slightly aback once again at her apparent mood swings, though I had not truly expected otherwise.

"I wish for Fai to come to Celes in the end." Hardly daring to continue looking into her eyes, yet not nearly foolish enough to break eye contact, I focused instead on presenting myself with extreme confidence. Yūko looked pensive indeed as I watched her. A few moments passed in silence, and I felt slightly uneasy. Never had it taken so long for her to reach a conclusion before, or at least not in my experience. The moments dragged onward, and anxiety began to overwhelm me. Still, I steadied myself. I would succeed if I could gain this much, because I could work from there. The second wish would follow naturally from the first, after all. I was undaunted by the price of either.

"That wish is indeed…." she intoned seriously at last, "unnecessary." She leered at me impishly, her grave air vanishing in an instant. My mind reeled, for her answer was unfathomable. A spark of anger flashed within me.

"Why is this so?"

"For many reasons," she laughed, "not the least of which is that the arrow has been loosed, pulled taut by the hand of fate and the hands of those who would pay the price for swaying its aim."

"You are implying that this will be done already, correct?" She merely glanced around her surroundings, humming noncommittally. "I was under the _firm _impression that it was impossible to know the course of such things in advance, at least so _precisely_." Her eyes flashed, and again her gaze was affixed to mine. Perhaps I had too strongly implied that she had bent the rules, a weighty accusation for one such as Yūko. I saw the situation slipping out of my grasp. "I apologize; it was not my intent to offend—"

"That wish has already been asked of me", she declared matter-of-factly, though I could detect a hint of sulking in her voice. Nonetheless, the gravity of the statement banished all other thoughts from my mind.

"You surely cannot be serious?" Yūko's expression was stony and unforgiving. "Who would make such a wish unless…" My head reeled with the potential ramifications of someone _else_ who wanted Fai to return to Celes. _When_ could someone have made that wish? It was only now that I began to perceive the necessity of it, and only for myself. _What other forces were involved here?_ I cast around wildly for a culprit. "Surely Fei Wong Reed never asked you to grant a wish of his?"

The witch stuck her tongue out, grimacing as if she had tasted something unpleasant. "No way!" she exclaimed. "That _foul_ person is the last one who would ever ask me for something! He's too selfish and short-sighted and low-down and vile and completely _despicable._ He wouldn't want to give anything to me in return, so he'll never ask. Plus…" And here she grinned wryly again, "He knows that asking a wish of me means I'll do everything in my power to make him _regret doing so._" An evil laugh issued from somewhere deep in her throat.

"Then…who made the wish?" The laugh faded away like all her prior outbursts, and she responded so swiftly and intensely that I almost missed her words.

"Death is only the end of one's ability to prepare."

A riddle? "I—" Suddenly, an idea struck me, and my eyes flew towards Yuko's, searching for the answer. Her enigmatic smile seemed to confirm my insight, yet perhaps I was misinterpreting?

My mind reeled once more. Impossible. She looked gravely serious, yet I sought some inkling of jest in her expression. I found none, yet I knew what she was suggesting was even more absurd than the idea that my wish had been granted earlier.

"It seems like you're…implying…that _Clow_ is somehow involved with all of this. But that's absolutely—"

"It's absolutely the case that Clow Reed was, if nothing else, a brilliant strategist."

Curtly, she turned to leave and I saw that I would glean nothing more from this conversation. "You shall repay me for my time and advice; The price is the same. Take care. _Come along, Mokona_." The mirror blacked out as if a switch had been thrown. I stood senseless, staring at the misty vacant depths of the mirror. Overall, the fact that Clow Reed's influence was still active in the world did not change much, but it deeply unsettled me that he wielded such a far-reaching power even after his death. Nonetheless, my plans were, overall, even further along than I had anticipated. I had already chosen with all of my heart that I would give anything to grant Fai peace. The painful joy that this sweet potential instilled in me…I suppose that is what is called love. I set about making preparations for his arrival.


	3. Chapter 3

Ah, how subtle are the changes of a heart, the conclusion of a thousand, thousand insignificant alterations and the untold moments of uneasy acquiescence that leave one stranded, miles away from the beginning. In this way, my heart was reborn through years of quiet adjustment—the strangest period of my life, as I look back upon it.

A single night marked the beginning of an upheaval, borne of a curse which nature had wrought and which human minds had exacerbated. Alas, such is the misfortune of man that our darkest dreams infect the fabric of our perception, distorting the world which we inhabit and tainting the minds of those around us.

The evening itself passed quite uneventfully, as I recall; there was no fretful preparation or solemn contemplation of a looming disaster; it simply _was_. As snowy dusk fell throughout the kingdom, I found myself unable to sleep. In my quarters, I paced fitfully, unable to focus my mind on meditation and uninterested by the volumes of literature which surrounded me. The moon rose slowly in the night sky, illuminating the sleeping town far below with silvery light. After an indeterminate amount of time, I took to wandering the candlelit halls of the residential wing; a whim brought me to the room where that twin, Fai, had just fallen asleep, tossing and turning fitfully. As I gazed upon him, I was reminded again of how bereft of the charms of innocent childhood he was. His face, even at that young age, looked haggard and sickly, and his wispy blonde hair had become plastered all over his forehead which was glistening with sweat in the dim light. I felt a twinge of pity as he rolled over and moaned softly in his sleep, in wonder at the sheer audacity of fate. What cruel world would strike down even _this_ child so heavily? As I listened to him breathe sorrowfully, locked in some nightmarish memory, a curious thought occurred to me. Though I realized, of course, that the idea was absurd, my curiosity overcame my apprehension. Glancing around myself cautiously, I sealed the doorway and drew the curtains shut, sealing out the light of the luminous aurora that fluctuated in the night sky. As the room plunged into a dim twilight, I knelt by his bedside. Without pausing, lest I lose confidence, I reached out my hand and clamped it firmly—though not roughly—over his mouth. Within moments, he began to squirm as he found himself unable to breathe. With fascination, I watched as he turned his head one way and another, probing anxiously with the bridge of his nose as he sought air. My ears listened sensitively to the sound of his increasingly frenzied vitals; my fingers absorbed every nuance of the muted racing of his blood and the slight erratic heaving motions of his chest, and all of it filled me with a sort of curious gratification. My hand grew moist and, after a time, his eyes began to roll and twitch in their sockets and he seemed to be on the verge of awakening. I released my grip on him. The twin drank in huge gulps of air, coughing roughly, yet his deep slumber was not disturbed. As I left the room and wandered down spiraling staircases, I was somewhat perturbed by the insanity of what I had been contemplating and my lack of control in the matter, but overall I truly only wished to satiate that restlessness which plagued me so fiercely. I would have to try again. Silently, I descended into the main hall and glided out an obscure side-door, passing unnoticed through the silvery night.

The air was brisk, even for winter, but fires roiled in my blood and I slunk through the frigid overshadowed alleyways of Celes indifferent to the cold. Sparse lights still flickered in these lonely nocturnal hours, warm glowing windows like twinkling stars in the dark. I drew close to the common residences surrounding the castle, every moment aghast in some small corner of my mind, every moment yearning and indulging in anticipation of heated struggle and surging vitality. Upon running my tongue across my cold and drying lips, I imagined the ferric taste of dripping warm blood. I became fully aware of what I sought; I discovered the sole method of my reprieve: what I yearned for was the frenzied and wasteful destruction of life, the brutal rupture bleeding across the sordid earth, an ignoble culmination of an existence lived, for years, for decades—for nothing, nothing in the end save pain and the dread emptiness of death. This is what would drive out the fire in my veins, the indulgent and blasphemous passions of senseless bloodlust. I trudged through the snow to my swiftly converging fate.

Long afterwards, when the moon had nearly completed its slow arc across the sky and the stars had begun to fade, I began the frigid return journey home. The madness had left me at last, and all that remained was a sickly sort of exhaustion. I could hardly walk, could hardly think of anything save for the blissful oblivion afforded to me by sleep. Weakly, I stumbled up the many stairwells to the residential wing, slid into my room, and bolted the door shut.

My energy was utterly sapped; As my limbs alternately burned with exertion and shivered with cold, I collapsed ungracefully into an armchair and blacked out.

A few fleeting hours later, I awoke again, aching all over from the awkward position in which I had fallen asleep and wincing at a throbbing headache which besieged me. A nightmare awaited my waking mind. Blood was plastered across my robes, glistening. I reached out to touch it, and my hands came away an earthl reddish-brown. Dimly horrified, unable to think of what had happened but still able to react, I fled to my bath and stripped the sinful clothes from my skin, wincing every time I felt the nauseating weight of bloodied cloth drag across me. I desperately needed to forget, to cleanse away this evil. A gush of steaming water cascaded down upon me and I scoured my skin with soap and abrasive magic, driven to erase all evidence of my sins. My skin grew raw as I blasted the hateful stain again and again. Water slid down my entire form, sending spirals of red twirling down the drain like soft blossoms of spring. The haze was overwhelming. Plumes of scalding steam enveloped me as I scrubbed desperately, yet still I felt sordid. Soon, I had scrubbed so hard that I saw thin layers of blood, my own blood, oozing onto the sponge. I flung myself painfully from the bath feeling cornered, unable to cope with what I had done, unable to find escape. My reflection leered at me like some brutish beast, and I would have let out a sob at how low I had fallen, raged at myself and howled with the insanity of my predicament, but the world had become distant. Merciful isolation had descended again upon me, and I wandered as if in a dream. Smoothly, I pulled new evening robes from my wardrobe and, as I felt the fresh feeling of new clothes, my anxiety began to be replaced with resolve. I would forget. The world would forget my wrongs; there could be no other way of salvation besides this. Stiffly, painfully, I lowered myself into bed and gave myself to consuming sleep once more.

The moon slid behind the distant hills, illuminating with its white rays an almost invisible rivulet of black blood on the snow which was overshadowed by a canopy of skeletal coal-black trees.


End file.
